I Drove My Motorized La-Z-Boy Home Drunk and You Nab me for DUI? – DULUTH, MINNESOTA-  Geezus, the things that people will do to curb their jones for driving like a maniac.  Whether it’s buying a $75,000 porchse that does 175mph, or yanking that VW Rabbit out of the junk yard and tuning to do 150 mph, it’s a test between man and machine.  You buy it, you jam in horsepower, then you drive that sonofabitch into the ground.  But driving a motorized piece of living furnitture home from the bar and getting busted for it?  Is that even legal?  It is now, at least in Minnesota.

Constabulary forces  in Duluth, Minnesota say a man has found guilty of drunken driving after smashing up his prized motorized La-Z-Boy recliner. Yes, your dad’s favorite lounge chair, only with wheels  and it goes piss your pants fast.  Police responded to a report of a drunk man who smashed into a parked car last August 8 at 3 am.  After they arrived and found the man laying passed out on the road, it took them a few seconds to figure out he wrecked a reclining chair  powered by a suped up lawn mower engine complete with a radio and cup holders.

The offender, a 62 year old man with a long list of traffic violations, was finally sentenced after waiting 1.5  years for a fair trial after the insanity plea was tossed out.  After deliberating the statutes for driving a machine while intoxitcated, a judg charged him with operating a vehicle while intoxicated.  According to plice statements, the man said he “slammed 15 beers and didn’t have get out of his chair once.”  He also proudly bragged that his “bad-ass La-Z-Boycould go up to 38 mph, and that’s on cheap gas.  On the good stuff it can go around 40 with no problem.”   (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091023/ap_on_fe_st/us_lounge_chair_dwi)

Prosecutors say his blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle that sustained more than $150o damage.  Aside from restitution for the damaged vehicle the judge handed out a 180 days of suspended jail time, ordered two years of probation, 6 months of pyschological counseling and forbade the man to put a motor on any kind of furniture for 5 years.  Why ruin a perfectly good recliner after drinking a case of beer when you can just climb into a car and smash it into a parked car?

I Drove the Truck and my Mom Sold the Smack - GLOUCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS -  There is nothing in this world that compares to the love a mother has for her son, and vice versa.  Some say it’s genetic, others say it’s a mother’s instinct, but either way it’s one hell of a bond.  Take for instance when the boy was in little league.  Mama was always there cheering him on and she washed his uniform after every game.  Same goes when the little genius was valedictorian.  Mom was in the front row gushing like a school girl and she even baked a special cake shaped like a graduation cap, tassel and all.  But what happened when junior turned out to be a junkie?  Was mama there  there to fix him up?  Yep, and they both made some fast cash on the ride over, until things got ugly.

A Boston junkie was arrested for forcing her 23 year old son to drive the delivery car while she bought and sold heroin and other drugs around Gloucester and neighboring towns. Apparently the woman had been advertising the drug delivery service on Craigslist for the past year and has offered for sale pot, cocaine, mushrooms, heroin, opium and a vareity of prescription pills.   Both mother and son were arrested when the lad got so stoned off some marijuana that he nodded off behind the wheel and drifted into a hot dog cart where two city cops just happened to be having lunch. (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091021/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_mom_son_heroin)

Momma smack plead guilty to charges of possession and distributing heroin, and possession of a controlled substance.  Her son was charged with knowing where heroin was kept, driving while intoxicated, running a red light and conspiracy to deliver narcotics.  After the wreck the son was pinned by the wheel but moms was able to escape and run home.  When Police arrived said they found her flushing a large quantity of drugs down the toilet and ended up recovering 10 individually packaged bags of dope worth some $1500 in her bedroom.  Too bad they got busted.  They’re about the only place in Gloucester other than Dominoes that guarantees delivery in 30 minutes or less.

Red Alert! Don’t Buy That Piece of Junk – AMERICA - Okay. Here’s the deal. You have a serious drinking, gambling and drug problem that your wife doesn’t know about, but it’s time for a new car. Yeah, your Benzo is looking sweet in the driveway, but wifey’s whipped up Volvo is leaking all over the goddamn garage floor so it’s time to trade that hoopie in. Once you find a dealer who’s blind and can’t see or smell that oil gushing from the motor, you snoop around a few cars you know your wife won’t like, drive a few of them around town like a bat out of hell, then you come back and hard-line that no-good lying salesman and tell him you want the 411 on the car pronto or there’s no freaking dice. If he tries to slip you the Carfox instead of the Carfax, get up and walk the hell out. If you’re still bent on buying that r usty Fiero that’s not supposed to rust, here’s 5 things you’re going to want to know before you buy that piece of junk.

1. No Service Records. They stopped making Datsun’s in the 70s.

2. Vehicle and Accident History Issues. It’s four different colors for a reason.

3. Mechanical Problems. Of course the engine has to be running to pass inspection, and those Fred Flinstone holes in the floor will need to be fixed too.

4. Problem Title. It won’t be a problem once all the river water dries and it’s cleaned up a bit.

5. Fraudulent Title. No, they don’t use titles in Tijuana. (http://autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/1153/5-used-car-red-flags/)

Checking for all these major issues may seem to be a pain in the ass, but they can save you money and can keep you from getting arrested down the line when you go back to punch the salesman in the face a few times. If anything seems too hard to believe, or if the sales guy with greasy hair seems shady, just walk on the deal and find someone else who isn’t that much of a crook. There’s nothing wrong with be a patient, penny pinching consumer who refuses to get robbed on a used car. Plus, with web sites like ThisCarDoesn’tRun.com TowItHome.net, you can find virtually any car, anywhere, any time, at any price. Just remember, there are lots of fish in the pond, just beware of the fisherman with a rubber worm. Chances are he’s a car salesman with a deal for you, and

The Biggotry of Bob Griese – ESPN -  Have you ever noticed the “old boy network” ever-present in the American sports broadcasting ranks?  It’s that fine line between letting a sports legend get away with an ethnic slur on television and firing a nobody for telling a harmless fart  joke.  Like that time when broadcast bigshot Don Imus called a predominately black women’s college basketball team a “bunch of nappy-headed hoes” and all he got was a 3 month blacklisting and a huge raise when he went to do a show on a network affiliate.  Or how about way back in the day when Howard Cossel so eloquently said of Art Monk, “Just look at that little monkey go.”  Poor Howard. He was fired before he got out to the parking lot after the game.  Well, Bob Griese just showed his alleged biggotry on ESPN ,and they didn’t do a damn thing except send him on vacation.

Earlier today Griese, a former Miami Dolphin standout, was suspended one week, yep only a week,  for an ethnice wisecrack he made about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya.  According to a memo from the ESPN human resource department, Griese will not be working any games this week but will instead be playing golf in the Bahamas on a docket paid for by ESPN.   Griese seemed to be care-free after his suspense and said he understood the comment was inappropriate.  During ESPN’s broadcast of the Minnesota-Ohio State game Saturday, a video was shown listing the top drivers in the NASCAR standings.  A fellow announcer covering the game pointed out that Montoya, a Colombian, was not on the list and anted to know where hewas.  Griese took a swig  of beer and said that Montoya was “out having a taco and waiting to score some blow.” (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091026/ap_on_sp_co_ne/fbc_espn_griese_suspended)

Since the remarks Griese has twice apologized on air and sent Montoya a $1500 Taco John’s gift certifate.  At a press conference early yesterday Montoya delclined to comment on Griese’s and his paddy cake suspension. He brushed off the enthnic slur and said he’d never heard of a bigot named Bob Griese, but we all know that’s untrue.  If it isn’t, ask yourself one question.  Who is more acclaimed for their athletic prowess?  A redneck NASCAR jockey from Spain with a jones for tacos and cocaine or one of the greatest All-American quarterbacks to play the game?  You decide.  In the mean time, let’s all Run to the Border for some Potato Oles,  hold the sniff.

Nice Phillip Nice -LONDON -  Unless you’ve been living under the thumb of a Communist regime your whole life, you probably know some politically incorrect baffoon who thinks culture has something to do with a good hunk of mozzarella cheese.  You know the paizon in question.  That mental invalid who makes it a point to be a wiseass every minute of the day.  He’s that guy who thinks Jewish people in America are no good, bank-owning shylocks and finds it funny to infer that they are misers with their money.  Same goes with hombres from south of the Border.  In this ignoramus’ mind all Mexicans own a chain of Mexican restaurants, and they all do their own landscaping, cheap.  Well, it isn’t much different for a monarch who thinks all Indians are from India, and  that most of them are related.

Queen Margaret’s main squeeze Prince Philip has made an ass of himself again when he busted the balls of an Indian dignitary.  During a reception at Buckingham Palace for some 400 influential British Indians,  Prince Phil greeted Atul Patel by glancing at his name tag and saying: “There’s a lot of your family sucking up the free booze here guvnah.”  In case you’re cultually illiterate like most of America, the comment was a crack that all Patels are related, kind of like how paizons are paizons and gumbas are gumbas. Patel is a common Indian surname, like Smith or Jones, and there are a hell of a lot of them opening Circle Ks in England. (http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20091027/wl_uk_afp/britainroyalsindiaoffbeat)

Patel, who is  CEO of a prominent government funded housing association, said he thought nothing of the remark because he is not related to any of the Patels in England, and because Prince Philip could have him shackled and beheaded behind closed doors at BuckhinghamPalace.   Despite England’s post-colonial attempt to destroy Indian culture, Patel will this week join the Queen Mother to celebrate the baton relay for the 2010 Commonwealth Games in New Delhi, only the Prince won’t tag along because he’ll just end up making another funny.

The 88-year-old prince is well known for inappropriate touching of the female staff and for uncouth remarks, along with enjoying a bottle of cheap whiskey and a good lot of fish and chips.  His more memorable quips as of late:

1. ”I say old chap.  Still throwing spears in the Outback?” (a question to an Australian Aborigine during a land seizure deal in Tazmania).

2. “You managed not to get eaten by Pygmies then, Bilbo?” (to an Irish midget who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea).

3. “Buy those fake diamonds in Israel my good woman?” (to a Jewish princess walking six poodles on Park Avenue).

4. “How’s the washer business fairing Chin?” (said to Kim Jong Il during an after party for a nuclear treaty discussion).

5. “Where’d you park that bloody camel Habib?” (said to the Sultan of Tehran during a tennis match at Wimbledon).

Let Us Kneel in Prayer Before I Rob Your Store – INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA -  There is an old saying in the Good Book, or maybe it’s a saying from the I Ching, that goes something along the lines of “do onto others as you would have them do unto you.”  Or, if you’re a dumbass who’s clueless to Far and Middle Eastern philosophy, don’t screw with people and they won’t screw with you.  Kind of like when you get so wasted at the bar that you end up puking all over yourself in the alley, then a bro walks by and doesn’t hassel you about it.  Ditto to him when he drank too much beeer adn shit himself at a softball game  Or, maybe even like when you’re out running around on your wife and you see your neighbor at a motel with a hooker. You certainly aren’t going to tell his wife.  But, doing the Chrisitian duty before committing a felony?  Yep.  They’re sinners too.

A religious thief, about as dumb as they get, spent 20 minutes on his knees praying with the Muslim clerk at an Indianapolis check cashing joint before putting a gun to her head and stealing her cell phone, birth control pills and $90 from the register. The stick -up got weird when gunman came around the counter and the clerk started praying to Allah.  The man said he had a 2-year-old coke habit to support and asked for prayers about overcoming his vices.  He also said, “Don’t worry sister.  I’m not stealing from you, I’m stealing from the man who owns this store and forced you into indentured servitude.  Let us pray to Jesus because He’s the son of God, and of course he’s the only God.  No Allah here in America.”  (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091021/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_praying_robber).

Police used footage from the store’s security video to help with the man hunt.  Because the man was too dumb to wear a mask or drive a stolen getaway car, police found him the next day calling a sex line from the women’s phone in the basement of the local church where he is doing an intership for the clergy.  Upon his arrest the man confessed to the robbery and begged for forgiveness for his sins, even though the clerk followed a false prophet.  He also said his ex-wife was killing him with child support and that he had a $50 a day whiff habit that wasn’t getting any better. All took a moment to say a prayer before the preacherman was cuffed, stuffed and booked for armed robbery.